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Two Tight Asses

July 13, 2016

There are blogs I follow that consistently receive hundreds of comments, an accomplishment I’ve yet to achieve. But this true story from 2012 is one of my most popular, and comes close.




Mrs. Chatterbox and I just returned from four days of rare sunshine on the Oregon Coast. We had a great time. On the drive back to Portland I was reminded of this incident from my childhood after spotting two pairs of jeans flapping on a clothesline.


The Holloway twins lived across the street from the house where I grew up in the 50s and 60s. Janice and Janet Holloway were blond, sported bouncy ponytails and were high school cheerleaders. Ricky Delgado, my best friend and neighborhood delinquent, claimed the twins put the wood in his bat, whatever that meant.


Janice and Janet knew they were hotties, and to increase their allure they competed with each other to see who could wear the tightest jeans.


Janice concocted a way to make hers look painted on, and Janet followed suit. They got up early before school and soaked in the tub for half an hour while wearing jeans that were then dried with a blow-dryer. This process shrank the denim and made the jeans incredibly tight. Janice claimed victory in the tightness contest saying her jeans were so snug you could pick out the mole on her behind. Janet claimed Janice lost the sexiest jeans contest because she had a mole on her behind.


I wasn’t yet old enough to appreciate the twins, who I could never tell apart. They usually looked at me and Ricky like we were bacteria. I can’t remember having the courage to speak to them directly. They were high school seniors when I was a freshman and I remember them parading down the corridors with boys in tow, their steps as tiny as a geisha’s because of those tight jeans.


During my freshman year a famous incident involving Janice and Janet occurred one afternoon in biology class. Janice suddenly looked at Janet, and Janet looked at Janice, and they both started screaming. They sobbed and shrieked. Then, like they were still connected to each other through a shared nervous system, both passed out. The twins’ jeans were so tight that circulation to the lower halves of their bodies had been cut off. An ambulance was called, but Mr. Scanlon, the young biology teacher, decided not to wait. He ordered everyone out of the biology lab, and proceeded to cut the girls out of their skin-tight jeans with dissection scissors.


He may have saved their lives, but the twins were anything but grateful. When they regained consciousness, under blankets rushed in from the nurse’s office, they were humiliated and angry at the destruction of their personal property. They threatened to sue Mr. Scanlon but this became complicated when the local Fire Department issued him a commendation for quick thinking and heroism. I’m told the horny guys at school couldn’t have cared less about the award, but Mr. Scanlon’s stock soared because he’d accomplished what many of them had only dreamed of—getting the Holloway twins out of their pants.





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Why do girls do that? They end up walking so stiff legged, it looks like they have a stick up their you-know-what. And that is definitely not sexy. Glad their parents had the sense not to sue the guy. In this day and age, it probably would've happened.
By: Alex J. Cavanaugh on July 13, 2016
How crazy is that? Not only the fact they had that mysterious connection but how would any sane person wear clothing that tight?
By: Cheryl P. on July 13, 2016
This is a good one although I am not sure that I believe it...;-)
By: Tabor on July 13, 2016
I remember those days of being a little under classman and beholding a senior beauty and going speechless as though my brain was cream of wheat. Thinking back maybe I too felt like a single cell organism. Now about those jeans! Have you noticed the skinny jeans being worn today? Maybe Janice and Janet were pioneers.
By: Tom Cochrun on July 13, 2016
Funny story! Did they wear tight headbands, too? Cutting off a proper blood supply to the brain is the only reason I can think of for wearing pants that tight in the first place. I also went to school with twins named Janet and Janice. No tight pants there, though, We were even allowed to wear slacks to school. Only skirts or dresses, and of a "proper" length.
By: Susan Swiderski on July 13, 2016
Teens and raging hormones and the drama that goes along with it all. Happy to have survived raising 3 girls and two boys.
By: Daniel LaFrance on July 13, 2016
Loved it!!
By: fishducky on July 13, 2016
How on earth did they go to the bathroom?? That is too funny. I use to wear tight jeans and shorts but my blood could still circulate.
By: Arkansas Patti on July 13, 2016
I just don't know what to say but they were not the brightest, probably they were the reason for all the blonde jokes. Where were the parents? My mom would not have let me out of the house if that happened
By: Birgit on July 13, 2016
I guess that was one way those twins kept boys from getting IN their pants.
By: Val on July 13, 2016
LOL! Destruction of ego probably hurt them more than the personal property.
By: Botanist on July 13, 2016
Heeheehee! They probably grew up to make their own daughters wear reasonable clothing.
By: messymimi on July 13, 2016
Great story. I'm not sure how to get the comments like some of my blog buddies get. Keith at the Existential Optimist gets a ton of comment. Of course his blog entries always end in a question which gives people a chance to voice their opinions.. I think this is a good strategy, but I often can't think of a way to do that in an entry.
By: Rick Watson on July 13, 2016
Janice and Janet are now probably overweight grandmothers who drink tea and eat donuts and shake their heads about how the young people of today dress...
By: Pixel Peeper on July 13, 2016
By: TexWisGirl on July 13, 2016
Enjoyed reading them.
By: Jeno on July 14, 2016
Still unbelievable! (And still hilarious.) I wonder what the twins are up to now. I hope Janice had that mole removed.
By: Mitchell is Moving on July 14, 2016
When I saw the heading on this post I thought it was going to be another story about that artist with your name who painted the picture that your jewelry store customer got upset about. I liked this post better but wish you had photographed the sweet young ladies.
By: Catalyst on July 14, 2016
They were easy to tell apart, Janice had a mole on her ass! Funny story and like the twins, great ending.
By: cranky on July 14, 2016
Funny story! Used to wear tight jeans during my "skinny" days. Not anymore. Elastic waistband is more like it.
By: Marcia @ Menopausal Mother on July 14, 2016
oh those silly girls! I used to lie down to enable zipping up my jeans- BUT soaking in a tub and then using a blow dryer? No thanks! Hilarious!
By: Kathe W. on July 15, 2016

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