Welcome to the Chubby Chatterbox Newsletter, where I’ll be posting favorites from the Chubby Chatterbox archives. In addition, my complete thriller Return of the Mary Celeste will soon be serialized here for those who have asked for something beyond a regular post.

My novel is based on a true event, arguably the greatest maritime mystery of all time. In 1872 the crew and passengers of Boston brigantine Mary Celeste abandoned their seaworthy ship and its valuable cargo, vanishing in the middle of the Atlantic. Speculation over their fate has never abated. History records that after the Mary Celeste tragedy no one from that fateful voyage was ever seen again. History is about to be rewritten…

Return of the Mary Celeste

Prologue

Tragedy struck the brigantine Mary Celeste on the morning of November 25, 1872. The hourly log was later recovered from the deserted vessel; At 8 a.m. the last notation was made. By 9 a.m. no one remained aboard to chalk the next entry.

Something had terrified Captain Benjamin Briggs and his crew, prompting the seasoned skipper to make a decision certain to affect not only himself, his ship and crew, but his family as well—his wife and two year old daughter were aboard Mary Celeste. Much ink has been spilled in fanciful and scientific attempts to explain the calamity that engulfed this perfectly seaworthy ship, yet all that is known for certain is this: in a matter of minutes Captain Briggs became convinced that the only way to save their lives was by ordering everyone into a hastily launched lifeboat. By giving the order to abandon ship, he also launched the greatest of all maritime mysteries.

On December 5, 1872, a month after leaving New York Harbor, Mary Celeste was found drifting on a calm and empty sea. The ship was in fine condition, perfectly intact with valuable cargo safely stored in her hold, but the crew and passengers had vanished. None were ever seen again.

Until now….

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Hey God, Can We Talk?

July 29, 2016

There are still months to go until the November election, and I imagine most people can use a break from politics. Here’s what I hope is a humorous diversion.

 

 

********************

 

“Hey God, it’s me, Adam. Can we talk?”

           

“No, Adam. We can’t.”

           

“Why not?”

           

“You know why. You don’t know how to talk. I gave you the gift of telepathy so you could understand My thoughts until you invent language. You don’t seem to be getting very far. I hear that Eve is already working on sentences.”

           

“Is that what she’s doing? Those grunts and growls are language?”

           

“Yep. She’s light years ahead of you. It won’t be long before you have lots of children, and all the girls will be better at language than you or your sons.”

           

“Why can’t I communicate with Eve using telepathy the same way I communicate with You?”

           

“Telepathy doesn’t work with females. I need to fix that, a good weekend project for Me.”

           

“I do like how she grunts when we’re joined together in that fun way, but at other times I get the impression she’s grunting because she wants me to do something, like collect fire wood or gather fruit. Seeing me lying around doing nothing seems to bother her.”

           

“You aren’t eating all the fruit, are you?”

           

“Hey, if I was eat’n from the Tree of Knowledge I wouldn’t need to have this exchange with You. Actually, it’s Eve I want to discuss. Things aren’t working out so good between us.”

           

“Really, you don’t find her attractive?”

           

“It isn’t that, not that I have many choices here in Eden unless I want to cozy up to an orangutan.”

           

“What seems to be the problem?”

           

“Well, I’m embarrassed to say this, but…”

           

“Go on; you can tell Me anything.”

           

“All right; here it is—you made Eve too damn smart! And it isn’t just the language thing.”

           

“Go on.”

           

“Well, for instance, it was her idea to wear these fig leaves.”

           

“I haven’t invented shame yet so why are you covering yourself?”

           

“Eve came up with the idea when my crotch snake got burned by the sun. She’s wearing fig leaves, too. Now we don’t get burned down there.”

           

“I don’t see the problem. You seem to be benefiting from her intelligence.”

           

“C’mon, God! Don’cha see? She’s smarter than me. She works harder than me. She’s inventing language and clothing. It won’t be long before she doesn’t need me, except for that one thing we do and before long she’ll figure out a way to do that without me.”

           

“I get your point, Adam. You want Me to create something to even things out—so she’ll need you even though she can outperform you in every way.”

           

“Yes! That’s exactly what I want.”

           

“I’ve got a idea. I’ll invent something that will terrify her, send her into a panic and then you can come to the rescue and be the hero.”

           

“Great. But make this thing small, something I can handle, squash with my foot or a rock.”

           

“Leave it to me. Never again will Eve consider you useless. I’m going to invent—the spider!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Comments

23 Comments
The last one is so true, especially when we're younger. My wife isn't scared of spiders. Fortunately, God also made cockroaches.
By: Alex J. Cavanaugh on July 29, 2016
Spiders don't scare me. Not even cockroaches. We have small lizards who sometimes get in and I admit that when one darts across the floor in front of me they make me gasp. Hubs is always offering to kill them, but since spiders and lizards eat bugs, I'm on their side. Cockroaches get the bottom of my shoe. So there! Have a great weekend!
By: Lexa Cain on July 29, 2016
Hilarious! Very cleverly spun. Thanks for that.
By: Tom Cochrun on July 29, 2016
Well written. I enjoyed it. I don't care about spiders anymore now that I live in the land of palmetto bugs. Love, Janie
By: Janie Junebug on July 29, 2016
Except at my daughter's house the female is the bug killer while the male runs screaming to the other room
By: Tabor on July 29, 2016
Hahahaha!
By: The Bug on July 29, 2016
That was fun and I didn't see that coming. A fun post And yes, we needed the break.
By: Arkansas Patti on July 29, 2016
Spiders? Meh. CRICKETS and MILLIPEDES! For those, I need a man.
By: Val on July 29, 2016
Well, you seem to be a crotch-ety old man today.
By: Catalyst on July 29, 2016
This is funny and a lot more fun to read than politics. R
By: Rick Watson on July 29, 2016
This was hilarious, and a good distraction from all the negative comments floating around on the internet. People are so awful and filled with hate...people I thought I knew. It's been shocking.
By: Michael Offutt on July 29, 2016
Little spiders aren't as scary as those big hairy ones.
By: PT Dilloway on July 29, 2016
Heeheehee! Sorry, i like spiders, and i don't mind being the bug killer.
By: messymimi on July 29, 2016
Hahaha...love that last cartoon!
By: Pixel Peeper on July 29, 2016
I liked it, and my wife Cary would have loved it.
By: Mike M on July 29, 2016
Ah yes, as my grandmother said( in German) ..."when the dick is up, their brin is up their ass" Sorry but it's true:) Now as for spiders...completely true! I am a total freakazoid when I see a spider.
By: Birgit on July 29, 2016
Definitely a lot more fun to read than anything Hillary or Donald related. Thanks for the break and the chuckle.
By: Mr. Shife on July 29, 2016
This is funny and a lot more fun to read than politics. R
By: Rick Watson on July 30, 2016
I still think you snuck a subliminal political message in there, but I'm not sure what it was.
By: cranky on July 30, 2016
well, since I like spiders, god will have to try something else.
By: ellen abbott on July 30, 2016
I feel bad for Adam, but at least he can speak with God. The Almighty never returns my calls.
By: Al Penwasser on July 30, 2016
That last cartoon is hilarious. Good post.
By: Kathleen Valentine on July 31, 2016
Highly entertaining! Thanks for the chuckles, Steve.
By: jenny_o on August 1, 2016

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