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God, Can We Talk?

September 16, 2013
“Hey God, it’s me, Adam. Can we talk?”


“No, Adam. We can’t.”


 “Why not?”


“You know why. You don’t know how to talk. I gave you the gift of telepathy so you could understand My thoughts until you invent language. You don’t seem to be getting very far. I hear that Eve is already working on sentences.”


“Is that what she’s doing? Those grunts and growls are language?”


“Yep. She’s light years ahead of you. It won’t be long before you have lots of children and all the girls will be better at language than you and your sons.”


“Why can’t I communicate with Eve using telepathy the same way I communicate with You?”


"Telepathy doesn’t work with females. I need to fix that, a good weekend project for Me.”


“I do like how she grunts when we’re joined together in that fun way, but at other times I get the impression she’s grunting because she wants me to do something, like collect fire wood or gather fruit. Seeing me lying around doing nothing seems to bother her.”


“You aren’t eating all the fruit, are you?”


“Hey, if I was eat’n from the Tree of Knowledge I wouldn’t need to have this exchange with You. Actually, it’s Eve I want to discuss. Things aren’t working out so good between us.”


“Really, you don’t find her attractive?”


“It isn’t that, not that I have many choices here in Eden unless I want to cozy up to an orangutan.”


“What seems to be the problem?”


“Well, I’m embarrassed to say this, but…”


“Go on; you can tell Me anything.”


“All right; here it is—you made Eve too damn smart! And it isn’t just the language thing.”


"Go on.”


“Well, for instance, it was her idea to wear these fig leaves.”


“I haven’t invented shame yet so why are you covering yourself?”


“Eve came up with the idea when my crotch snake got burned by the sun. She’s wearing fig leaves, too. Now we don’t get burned down there.”


“I don’t see the problem. You seem to be benefiting from her intelligence.”


“C’mon, God! Don’cha see? She’s smarter than me. She works harder than me. She’s inventing language and clothing. It won’t be long before she doesn’t need me, except for that one thing we do and before long she’ll figure out a way to do that without me.”


“I get your point, Adam. You want Me to create something to even things out—so she’ll need you even though she can outperform you in every way.”


"Yes! That’s exactly what I want.”


"I’ve got a splendid idea. I’ll invent something that will terrify her, send her into a panic and then you can come to the rescue and be the hero.”


“Great. But make this thing small, something I can handle, squash with my foot or a rock.”


“Leave it to me. Never again will Eve consider you useless. I’m going to invent the spider!”









So it's Eve's fault we have spiders too? Damn it.
By: PT Dilloway on September 16, 2013
But then He gave man cursive handwriting and snow, and man was saved. ;) S
By: Scott Cody Park on September 16, 2013
Yeah! I am useful again!
By: David Walston on September 16, 2013
Yeah. Don't eat from the tree of knowledge cause as soon as you learn about science you no longer want to believe in god.
By: Michael Offutt on September 16, 2013
Of course if Adam had just realized that God is a woman maybe things would have turned out better for him...
By: The Broad on September 16, 2013
I am saving my comment for when Mrs. Cranky explains this post to me.
By: Cranky Old mAN on September 16, 2013
I KNEW you were intelligent, but now I realize you're a GENIUS!!
By: fishducky on September 16, 2013
That spider idea didn't work out too well. I have a nephew who, as he stood in the bathroom to pee, thought a spider was crawling down his neck. He screamed and peed all over the bathroom. His wife had to come in and save him. (And it turned out to be only sweat.)
By: Mitchell Is Moving on September 16, 2013
By: TexWisGirl on September 16, 2013
a nice nod to the women folk!!!
By: Laurel on September 16, 2013
I rarely receive a visit from a spider, but I do get the occasional palmetto bug. I kill them myself. I am woman, hear me ROAR! Love, Janie
By: Janie Junebug on September 16, 2013
An original and entertaining piece of writing. Great stuff, sir.
By: Bryan Jones on September 16, 2013
No wonder we have trouble here -- i am an arachnophile! And i'm braver about getting bugs than he is. Oh, help.
By: mimi on September 16, 2013
I am not sure I believe that Eve is the smarter of the two. She was the first to fall for the slick sales pitch of a snake and she managed to get them kicked out of a really nice garden home.
By: Cheryl P. on September 16, 2013
I'm not sure what made me laugh louder...your story or Mitchell is Moving's comment...
By: Pixel Peeper on September 16, 2013
Wow! Who knew Adam was so perceptive?
By: Val on September 16, 2013
I just don't know what to say.
By: Catalyst/Bruce on September 16, 2013
Telepathy . . . are you saying Adam was using a smartphone?
By: tomsightings on September 16, 2013
Chuckling away to myself here :) Thanks for the funny!
By: jenny_o on September 16, 2013
The spider thing...very true for me!!!
By: Shelly on September 16, 2013
A great post, Stephen. It made me smile. I don't like spiders, but I love your giraffe photo!
By: Sharon Bradshaw on September 17, 2013
Too funny. Your'a good dialogue writer.
By: Hilary on September 17, 2013
Wasn't it really more than a "little something" he gave us? Or do we just delude ourselves?
By: Tom Cochrun on September 17, 2013
I really enjoyed the humor, even the truthful parts.....
By: John on September 18, 2013
Buscaglia said that "osmosis" doesn't work either, Stephen. Interesting post!
By: Michael Manning on September 18, 2013
oh hahahahah so THAT'S why we have spiders? Have a great day!
By: Kathe W. on September 20, 2013
I know a great many men that are terrified of spiders. So God's plan didn't quite work then?
By: LL Cool Joe on September 21, 2013
The male resembles a Doonesbury character. Although your version is penile-less.
By: Daniel LaFrance on September 21, 2013

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