Welcome to the Chubby Chatterbox Newsletter, where I’ll be posting favorites from the Chubby Chatterbox archives. In addition, my complete thriller Return of the Mary Celeste will soon be serialized here for those who have asked for something beyond a regular post.

My novel is based on a true event, arguably the greatest maritime mystery of all time. In 1872 the crew and passengers of Boston brigantine Mary Celeste abandoned their seaworthy ship and its valuable cargo, vanishing in the middle of the Atlantic. Speculation over their fate has never abated. History records that after the Mary Celeste tragedy no one from that fateful voyage was ever seen again. History is about to be rewritten…

Return of the Mary Celeste

Prologue

Tragedy struck the brigantine Mary Celeste on the morning of November 25, 1872. The hourly log was later recovered from the deserted vessel; At 8 a.m. the last notation was made. By 9 a.m. no one remained aboard to chalk the next entry.

Something had terrified Captain Benjamin Briggs and his crew, prompting the seasoned skipper to make a decision certain to affect not only himself, his ship and crew, but his family as well—his wife and two year old daughter were aboard Mary Celeste. Much ink has been spilled in fanciful and scientific attempts to explain the calamity that engulfed this perfectly seaworthy ship, yet all that is known for certain is this: in a matter of minutes Captain Briggs became convinced that the only way to save their lives was by ordering everyone into a hastily launched lifeboat. By giving the order to abandon ship, he also launched the greatest of all maritime mysteries.

On December 5, 1872, a month after leaving New York Harbor, Mary Celeste was found drifting on a calm and empty sea. The ship was in fine condition, perfectly intact with valuable cargo safely stored in her hold, but the crew and passengers had vanished. None were ever seen again.

Until now….

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Color Test

April 9, 2014

A few days ago Mrs. Chatterbox was engaged in one of her favorite activities, filling out a psychology quiz posted on Facebook. She completed the test and asked what color I thought she was. I had no idea but said, “I hope it isn’t pink because with your pink complexion you look a bit washed out when you wear pink.”

    

She rolled her eyes at me. “It isn’t a test to learn what color you should wear; it’s about what color you are.”

    

What a colossal waste of time, but I’ve been married long enough to know the pitfalls of honesty when it comes to discussing my spouse’s interests. “I see,” I said, not really seeing at all but trying my best to feign enthusiasm. “So what color are you?”

    

“I’m pink,” she admitted. “Let me give you the test so we can see what color you are.”

    

“That’s okay. I know what color I am.”

    

“Really?”

   

“Yes. I’m alizarin crimson.”

    

“Why that color?”

    

“Alizarin crimson is the sexiest color. The name oozes with passion.” (Maybe oozes is too descriptive in this context.) “How long will this test take?”

    

“Five minutes.”

    

Five minutes of my life was too short to make my aversion for these tests into an issue. “Alright.”

    

She asked a series of questions, including one about whether I’d prefer a nice burger for dinner or a spicy Thai meal. I know I lost points picking the boring burger but having recently returned from Thailand I’m currently satiated with Thai cooking and still avoiding curries, lemongrass and coconut milk.

    

I answered the rest of the questions as honestly as I could and waited patiently for Mrs. C. to total my points and affix me with a color. I really hoped it was alizarin crimson. Gosh I love that color. (Did you know that if you mix alizarin crimson—the darkest red—with viridian green—the darkest green—you get the color of darkness—a color that looks like you can walk through it?)

    

She totaled my score. “Okay. I’ve got your color.”

    

“I’ll bite,” I said. “What color am I?”

    

I know I’m a colorful guy. I’ve never had trouble entertaining a room full of people, telling stories and making people laugh. I’m also well traveled and knowledgeable about history and culture. I’m currently watching the new version of Cosmos, and I expected credit for this even though I don’t understand what the host is talking about most of the time.

    

Mrs. C. looked up from her scoring and smiled. “Your color is…white.”

    

What the F*%K? “White isn’t a color!” I barked. “It’s the absence of color.”

    

“This test claims it’s a color. Your color.”

    

I don’t want to take any more of these tests, but if you do check out Zimbio.com and click on quizzes. You can learn which dinosaur from Jurassic Park you are, which TV workplace is best for you, or which super power is right for you. As for me, I’m retreating to a colorless corner and licking my “white” wounds.

 

    

 

Have you ever taken any type of test and been surprised by it?  

    



Comments

26 Comments
My "color" would probably be black. Or gray. Is it too late to change my "Tales of the Scarlet Knight" series to "Tales of the Alizarin Crimson Knight?"
By: PT Dilloway on April 9, 2014
Oh dear....white huh? Well, it goes with every other color, brightens them all, clarifies what is used next to it and it every washer woman's dream.....didn't help any did it? Well Mr. White....go forth and blend....carry on, Oma Linda
By: Oma Linda on April 9, 2014
too funny about white!
By: TexWisGirl on April 9, 2014
I'm resisting going to that site with all my might, for I am more like your wife. I'm a sucker for any test that comes along , although I usually deny and ignore the results since they rarely confirm what an amazing, intelligent, handsome guy that I know really am.
By: tom sightings on April 9, 2014
White is all colors my friend. White light when passing through a prism breaks into a full spectrum. That was in the last episode of Cosmos. However, if you're talking paint, then white is indeed no color as you get black by mixing all the colors. So it's kind of a reverse thing going on. This color wheel sounds a lot like Feng Shui...which I'm pretty sure is Chinese for "bullshit."
By: Michael Offutt on April 9, 2014
You could at least be Bob Ross's favorite, Titanium White.
By: Cranky on April 9, 2014
I am prepared to believe that all those quizzes are strictly for the sake of entertainment and there is no foundation to any of it. I agree that white seems rather non-colorful but frankly white is more pleasing that beige or brown. I would hate to have a personality that equates to beige.
By: Cheryl P. on April 9, 2014
Really i'm not too sure about those so called "tests." You are much more colorful than white -- unless it means you are white light, which instead of the absence of color is actually all of them together.
By: mimi on April 9, 2014
I'm a sucker for these Facebook quizzes even though I generally disagree with the results. For example, I did one to find out which rock group I "am". The quiz said "Pink Floyd" . . a group I've never liked! Go figure.
By: Bruce on April 9, 2014
oh hahahah my face is alizarin crimson cuz I am laughing so hard!!! Now I must go take that test- stay tuned!
By: Kathe W. on April 9, 2014
ok- went here and found out I am Yellow ! Funny as it is the predominate color inside our home. I had to HUNT for the link- here it is for those like me that HAVE to try thses silly tests! http://www.quizmeme.com/color/quiz.php:
By: Kathe W. on April 9, 2014
I agree with ya- white is the absence of color. It was the boring burger, I just know it. LOL!
By: Coloring Outside the Lines on April 9, 2014
"White" deserved an enjoyoable belly laugh here. What a non-color for a red wanna be. I love these silly tests. Off to try for better than white.
By: Akansas Patti on April 9, 2014
I've taken the test to describe what kind of personality you have. It's a bit of a shock.
By: red on April 9, 2014
When I worked as a television anchor we had a "color consultant" who "did our colors" to help us know what kind of shirt, tie and suit combination worked best. I had always gone with dark blue, navy blue or dark gray suits, pin stripped and plain, blue shirts and ties that were blue, red, or regimental stripped. She determined that I was an "autumn" and should wear dark suits, blue or dark gray, blue shirts and red or stripped accented ties. And for that I wonder how much the company paid.
By: Tom Cochrun on April 9, 2014
Hah - you, as the artist of colors - got white...that's really hilarious. Or, if white is indeed the sum of all other colors, spookingly realistic. Some of the quizzes are entertaining, most of them would just bore me (dinosaur, seriously?). Some personality tests or IQ tests that I've taken (more serious sites, not the one you linked to) have surprised me.
By: Pixel Peeper on April 9, 2014
I couldn't even find that quiz on Zimbio. I guess I'm invisible. Makes your while look pretty good, huh? :)
By: Scott Park on April 9, 2014
There are several psychological tools that use colours. Thankfully you're not colour-blind.
By: Daniel LaFrance on April 9, 2014
Actually, white is ALL the colors. I think that fits you perfectly. I never take these kinds of tests...unless I'm procrastinating working on my book. So I only take 3 or 4 every day. ;)
By: Lexa Cain on April 9, 2014
I am blue. Which makes me loyal and intuitive.
By: Val on April 9, 2014
I've never taken such a test,but if I did I predict I'd be labelled as insipid grey - the same color as my hair.
By: Bryan Jones on April 10, 2014
you paint such a colorfol story with your humr and words Stephen! White?
By: John on April 10, 2014
At the insistence of an artist friend (who can be just a bit "arty"), I took that test. I was, like Mrs. C, pink. And I was furious. Pink? But, white?!? My immediate reaction, like yours, was that the ABSENCE OF COLOR. Dumb test!
By: Mitchell is Moving on April 10, 2014
I'm white bread. I've never taken a "personality" test. The Hurricane has been required to take them a number of times. She's an introverted something-or-other. (I don't understand because she'snot one bit introverted and never was. I think she comes up with answers so it will say she's introverted.) Love, Janie
By: Janie Junebug on April 10, 2014
I suspect if you'd take the "what flavour of ice cream are you?" test, you'd be vanilla. ;)
By: Hilary on April 11, 2014
Oh dear, it must have been the burger. I was always taught at art college that neither black or white are colours. So I think the test must be wrong. ;)
By: LL Cool Joe on April 15, 2014

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